Nothingness.
How is it even possible for there to be this much
nothingness? It's like some conspiracy to remove all thoughts and images from
my mind - wipe the slate clean. And then let it indulge in the nothingness left
behind
Oh, I guess it's not really as manic-depressive as it
sounds, but it sure does feel that way sometimes.
Everything about our life is asymmetrical. That makes it
rather difficult for me because I need symmetry. Not in any specific
geometrical fashion, but in a larger global sense. There are things that happen
for no reason and you can't really control them so you shouldn't worry about
them, then there are things that happen for a reason and if you don't know it
then you shouldn't worry about it because you should trust in the workings of
the universe. Huh? There's the you-are-what-you-think philosophy, but when I
really start getting into what I think (and hey, what I think, at least for
now, is my own), the refrain changes to don't-become-what-you-think-too-much.
Just become what everyone else thinks. There are the rules that should be
followed, but oh, just for you, there are the rules that shouldn't be followed.
There's everyone talking about different things that don't even belong in the
same conversation. Where there should be peace, there is chaos.
Cars and people getting in your face from all directions,
sneaking in through the space between your torso and your arm, passing before
your and behind you, from your left and your right, with barely a breath's
space in between. Everyone on Indian roads is making every effort to maximize
contact with everyone else on them. In whatever way possible. Car bumps, elbow
bumps, grubby hands on bonnets, shoulder brushes... they might as well start
licking one another all over right there.
Symmetrical in chaos. That's how the world should be - not
the other way around. We've made the frameworks for everything and insist that
everyone stay within them, but within them, we create ugly disorder. Make the
frameworks disappear - the elements of chaos will fall into their places. In
symmetry. Because things ought to fall in place, you know. Not be scattered
everywhere, being of no use to anyone at all, making no sense. The funny part
is that no one seems to mind. They like it scattered senseless. Less sense =
More sense. Nonsense = Sense. Wow, I really may be further gone than I think.
I guess I'm just tired of being told that acceptance of all
things exactly the way they are, is the only way to be happy. Then of course I
hear that I'm just being stubborn and refusing to change - that I am capable of
lying myself into anything. Oh sorry, accepting anything, I think they mean. Of
course I know I'm capable of lying to myself and saying that something is okay
when it isn't. I've done it enough times to know that I'm good at it. So good
that I've probably sketched several versions of reality around myself - some
versions are merely touched-up, some are completely make-believe.
The irony is in that we're always trying to resolve the many
conflicts in our selves and our lives, and the truth is that a conflict-less
life is terribly old fashioned. Soon, it begins to feel like life has somehow
cheated us
How quickly the years pass! Things that I remember thinking
about and writing about like it was yesterday - they happened years ago. It
feels unfair. Where did the fears, excitement, insecurities and passion meander
off to? Why have they dried up? Why do I now write the way I talk? When did the
collective become so strong that the individual all but faded away?
